I made it! I made it to a beach. I was able to recharge my mermaid soul in the magical waters of Holbox, MX. I swam with whale sharks and social distanced with flamingos, saw the bioluminescene and the Milky Way, it made my life! Maybe I’ll get to take a group of my friends there next year…putting it out there. Yoga retreat 2021!? Someone asked me if wearing a thong was part of the next retreat, ya know, fearlessly stepping out of your comfort zone. Maybe haha?! It was very empowering to channel some fierce feminine energy on Isla Mujeres in my first thong bikini, even more empowering to post a beautiful picture online. I’ll fully support you strutting it if you feel called to! Before I left, I was able to finish the YTT manual! So excited to share it with others. I’ve poured my heart and soul into this training and know it will be transformative. As of 7/27, there’s 1 spot left. If you feel called to be in this class, message me! Let’s make it happen!
I can think of 20 other things to do before I pull my laptop out and WRITE. It’s like a process for me too. I feel the urge to write, I create the time, I pull out my laptop, then I hear the dryer *ding*… I need to put the clothes away. As I’m putting them away, I notice there’s dishes in the sink that I would feel sooo much better about if I just did them real quick, so I do. And while I’m in the kitchen, I start to feel hungry, so I make a snack. Then my daughter hears me and wants a snack too, but she wants something different. As I’m cooking, I’m checking my text messages and responding back to clients. Might as well check Facebook too since I have my phone in hand. Now I have a private session booked for the evening, great! But I really should go clean my car because I had planned to do it later and they’ll be closed after I get done and I’ve totally been putting it off for daysss. 1 hour later, I’m back, sweaty, showering, ready for a nap. ANDDD now my phone is ringing. After I take the call, it’s time for me to head to the office. No writing got done. BUT my laptop is now out for me to try again tomorrow. Like seriously, thing after thing I’ll put before actually writing. Distractions pulling my attention away. Maybe subconsciously making myself busy because I don’t really want to share? I know I need to though. Someone needs to hear what I have to say. Since my last blog post, I’ve connected with a young woman in the UK who also had mesh and had been researching yoga and found 721. I pray before I write. I trust this will reach whoever needs it.
My Why. Part 2-
Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar, Manic. These are words we hear pretty regularly, especially right now as we see Covid-19 unfold. We just witnessed Kanye publically go manic to take this talk mainstream media. Most of us know someone in our immediate family or have experienced these personally at some point. I know these are all labels that doctors have given to me and prescribed me medication for. There was a time in my life that some would even tell me that I had a mental disability. This is something that I am careful with my words about and will not own. Not because I want to deny it’s real but because I don’t want to give it any more energy than it already has over me. We talk about those powerful I AM statements in yoga (ex- “I am so broke.” < “The funds are not available at this time.” “I am bipolar” < “I am experiencing a lot of emotions right now and feeling like I could hit someone with my car.” lol butttt fr.) I will not claim these labels that people have given to me starting at around age 14. I was heavily medicated and over prescribed for many years. But that was it, it was never acted on to get to the root cause, only medicating the symptoms and usually with negative side effects.
I struggled in earlier years. Most of the time my childhood was not stable or safe. I raged with anger and pain and didn’t know how to let it out in a healthy way. It was only when I said, “ENOUGH. I’m taking control.” did things change. I started looking at my diet, reading about gut health and the connection to mental health. I created boundaries and stability in my life. I researched different plants and herbs, medicines that have been around for 100’s of years like Kambo and Ayahuasca. I found yoga and different kinds of meditation. Who knew that my sweaty gym yoga class could have such a profound effect on my mental health?! Why was I crying during practice? I had gone to stretch! Was I *gasp* crazy?! Aren’t we all a bit? We channel this energy in different ways. Sometimes we don’t know a healthy way to release what’s pent up. When we’re squeezed, we’re put under the slightest pressure, whatever is on the inside is going to come out, right? We go to yoga class and our teacher pushes us out of our comfort zone, we don’t think we can do one more chaturanga or relax deeper into a pose, then it happens, we have a release. We soften our shoulders that have been carrying the weight of the world, we unclench our jaw that has been waiting to run our mouth and pop off, maybe we cry in half pigeon. Releasing not only stress hormones in your tears but letting shit in your emotional life go. THIS IS YOUR SAFE PLACE. THIS IS YOUR HEALTHY OUTLET. This is also your connection to Source. I’ve really gotten to know myself and love myself with the help of my yoga and meditation practice. Your practice creates the space for you to physically move things around in your body, get the extra energy out, so that you can be quiet and still in your body and really listen to what is coming up.
I remember the day my dad died, it was a Thursday. Part of the stability I had created in my life was a routine of going to take a yoga class every Thursday morning, no matter what. In class that morning I felt weak. I hadn’t been sleeping well for the past few weeks, I was low on energy, low on fuel. My yoga sister, Laura, was next to me that day which wasn’t the norm. I remember her breath being so powerful. If you know her, you know she’s powerful. I cried to her after class. I think my soul already knew of my dad being near death. After leaving the gym, I felt like I should stop by the hospital to say hi to my dad before my lunch meeting (honoring my intuition.) I never made it to lunch that day. I truly feel that because I got my practice in that morning, because I had that safe place to feel my fucking feelings, I surrounded myself around strong people to help bring me up when I was feeling low, I was able to handle emotionally what life was throwing at me in a healthy way. I know during trying times, I hear my teacher’s voice in my head saying, “Focus on the breath. You will get through this. If you feel like you’re about to fall, try taking a deep breath. The breath is going to keep you there. When we go to the future we can experience anxiety, when we go to the past we can experience depression. The breath keeps you present.” Taking what you learn on your mat, off your mat. Real life yoga.
Just like Kayne, I really feel that people who do reallyyyyy big things or are super creative do think differently. It’s about where you channel it, how you use it. Healthy or hurtful? I’ve found tools that can support me to keep me more balanced. Happier. Experiencing less stress. Not going 0-100, I’m ready to burn your house down as an immediate reaction or stay in bed for a week not showering. Rather, being able to take a breath (even if it’s just 1 deep one,) and responding to a situation from a place of Love. I’m not saying taking pharmaceuticals is bad. I’m saying that yoga, meditation, and nutrition have shown me results of healing and supporting my mental health. Getting to the root. Doing the work. Breaking generational curses and severing toxic cords (look up cord cutting meditation online or ask me about it.) I think it’s really important to talk about mental health, especially now. The world needs yoga & meditation more than ever! I read something the other day online that said, “Just because someone carries it well, doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.” We all have very heavy shit we are facing. Even your yoga teacher who seemingly floats into class and lives in a happy bubble of love and puppies lol. If your foundation is firm, you have tools in your tool belt, you’re better equipped to handle what life throws at you. You’re stronger than you think, I promise.
I can confidently say yoga helped me physically and mentally. What really surprised me, was the spiritual experience I got out of my gym yoga class. I was exposed to many different religions growing up. My mother’s family is Catholic, my step father Jehovah Witness, we attended a Lutheran church. I went to a Pentecostal school. I was adopted by a Morman. Married a Seventh Day Adventist, we attended a Methodist church. After my divorce I felt like I was absolutely promised to hell. I knew I was a good person but I was very confused. I studied world religions in college, my first encounters with Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism. I fell in love with philosophy. When I first entered YTT and heard my yoga teacher pray protection over class, I was even more confused. I thought we were learning how to teach yoga?! Was this another religion?! I actually didn’t know my teacher very well before taking his YTT. How could God be involved in yoga?
If you know Joseph Stingley, you know he perfectly blended the spiritual and the physical without saying much. Teaching a secular, sweaty yoga class and creating the space for people to have their own spiritual experience. As a teacher, I started praying before my class. During my class, over my class, for my class. Asking to be a vessel of God’s work. Letting others feel Love through me. I try not to give advice to my students and am quick to say I’m not a doctor. Just as Joseph taught me, the answers are always in stillness. That’s when we can hear God loud and clear, when we create the space. God, whatever that looks like for you. Maybe you call that voice Intuition, Universe. For me, God is everything. In everything and of. God is Love. I am God, made in the perfect image. And I say that with no ego. My yoga practice is a moving meditation, a church, a time of fellowship with Source, connecting Body. Mind. Soul.
I’m excited to start YTT training, I’ve even more excited to share I am starting training to become a facilitator of Kambo. This is something I’ve been working with and now feel it’s time to share it with others. Another tool. I look forward to telling you more about it soon! Please like, comment, message me privately if you want to chat. I'm here for you. How can I serve you?
With all my love (since it’s really all we are,)